My Addiction to Certainty

Food and Connection

Two years ago, I saw an interview with Tony Robbins, a popular motivational speaker who talked about six core values that drive behaviour. The values were significance, love, growth, contribution, certainty, and adventure.  According to Robbins, everyone values a particular cocktail of the combination. When I thought carefully about the list and put them in order of what I believed I valued most, I put them in the following order:

1. Love/connection
2. Significance
3. Certainty
4. Adventure/Uncertainty
5. Growth 
6. Contribution

Over the past few months, while in the process of making significant life changes, (changing my work position, moving homes, focusing on simplifying my life) I have been reflecting on my choices and past decisions.  Although certainty is number 3 on my list, when I look at how I make life choices, what keeps me up at night and what increases level of anxiety, I actually behave and make choices based on certainty.  

What I think I value and what I actually practice are not the same thing.  I think I value love and connection, but in practice, I value the idea of the sure thing more than love, more than significance and more than the desire to grow.

I want to know. I want to feel secure. I want to know that my health is good and that I am loved. I want to know that all my family is loved, healthy and cared for. I want to know that I will have a steady pay check, a roof over my head and a secured retirement. 

I realize that most of my decisions are based on my need to feel safe and secure and that all is well in my world.  

Funny thing is, the more I have come to appreciate my overwhelming desire for certainty, the more I have appreciated that I really don't have it.  No matter how well I take care of myself, I can still get sick, no matter how secure I think my job is, there is no promise that I will have it until I retire. No matter how much money I accrue or invest, it can all be lost. The more I think about it, the more I realize that the idea of Certainty is an illusion. It's an illusion, because whatever pain we try to avoid, or plan to overcome, in the end, the whole protective tower of security can come tumbling down.

Certainty is an illusion.  

I am no stranger to addictive behaviour and as I work to keep my coffee consumption down, I know that I am not even grazing the real mother load of my addictions.  The truth is, I am an addict and my drug of choice is certainty.

My need to control the outcome, to plan, organize and schedule safety is remarkably futile, yet I continue to try!  I know I am not alone in this is a recurring theme in both my energy work and counselling practice.

So what can I do to overcome this? What can WE do to overcome our collective desire to keep our worlds known, controlled, safe and small? Keeping in mind that I am working on this with you, here are a few practical suggestions:

Photo by Jill Philipchuk

1. Stay in This Present Moment.  Easier said than done, I know. "Anxiety is fear of the future and the future is not real", my fellow energy practitioner, Ann Liden, reminds me. Certainty is about controlling an outcome and that is always about the future.  When we focus on the here and now, we focus on the only real certainty we have - the present moment. For me this is about anchoring myself in what already exists. For the vast majority of us, this present moment is not too shabby.  Say it out loud.  What's really happening right now?  I am breathing, I am fed, I have a roof over my head, I am loved, I can walk, I am alive. Acknowledge your present moment experience and focus on everything that is working for you right at this moment.

2. Cross Crawls - This is a simple task that does big things in your brain. It essentially helps you to integrate both sides of your brain and helps you stay connected into your body.  Donna Eden Energy Medicine has a quick youtube demo of this activity. This is a great activity to do when you feel yourself spin down into your "pit of pitifulness". We experience worry, fear and overwhelm in our bodies and it is important that we use our bodies as one of our strategies to work with these feelings.

3.  Get Connected. Invest in relationships!  Don't wait for a crisis or setback to develop relationships.  Spend focused time every day building connections and staying connected.  Put a timer on for fifteen minutes if you have to, and use that focused time to call, email, text or plan focused time where you are building connections.  This is time that should be used to listen or focus on the lives of those around you. Schedule curiosity. Every Tuesday go hang with your daughter in her bedroom and find out what brings her joy. Email a sibling you don't see often and take them out for a coffee (Oops, there I go talking about my secondary addiction!) or a tea, perhaps. Find out how your friend's salsa lessons are going and get them to demo a move or two.  Take the opportunity to practice your own curiosity and listen.  These small investments in time and curiosity will always pay you dividends.

In the end, appreciating and showing up for what we have right now, will take us much farther than the illusive glitter of certainty.  The one sure thing we have is this moment, and the more we are able to show up and respect the now, the easier it will be to untangle ourselves from the false promises that certainty provides.

The Paradox of Stillness - 5 Things to do in Crisis

After struggling with symptoms of severe adrenal failure, my sister was finally feeling the benefits of a strengthening recovery.  She was doing so well, that she was back to playing badminton - her long time passion.  In fact, she was doing so well, that she entered and won local tournaments, and had just signed up for a Master's tournament with her eventual goal to participate in the Master's Olympics. 

During one of her training sessions, she blew her MCL, a ligament which stabilizes the knee.  She was suddenly immobilized, in severe pain and looking at a period of complete immobilization, and a long, slow recovery which also meant temporarily leaving behind all those activities which brought her so much life!

And so, after years of gradual recovery and a taste of "her old self" she found herself once again back into a recovery phase.

Crisis.

Crisis arrives looking like we have taken a sudden blow back with all of our hard work and effort crushed in a single event or circumstance.

"When suddenly you seem to lose all you thought you had gained, do not despair," writes Henri Nouwen, "Your healing is not a straight line.  You must expect setbacks and regressions. Don't say to yourself, All is lost.  I have to start all over again. This is not true.  What you have gained, you have gained."

Crisis creates space.  By its nature, it develops a 'hole', a rip in time and a kind of deafening silence that for most of us, feels horribly unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Yet, it is in this black pit of pitifulness as my sister calls it, where our real nuggets of transformation reside. If we take time to stop, be still, sit with our discomfort, breathe, pay attention to the restlessness and be still some more, we inevitably find that we come through on the other side transformed.

The reality is, stillness is active. Taking in the present experience and not distracting and moving your energy or focus away, is in fact the fastest way of moving through your crisis. For many of us, myself included, the practice of stillness is challenging. When crisis hits me, I go into my back brain fight or flight response and I either feel the need to flee via distraction or fight by creating more chaos in my life.  Neither of these responses move my crisis towards transformation although they do provide temporary relief.

In these moments,  the best gift you give yourself is permission to pause.  Keep yourself focused on your present moment experience, focusing on the care and your body. 

Here are some suggestions:

1. If you can, go for a walk.  Being outside and in motion are tremendously helpful for both your body and your brain.  Breathe in the air, notice what you smell, what you feel and what you hear.

2. Practice conscious gratitude.  What are you really grateful for right now? Make a list or endeavour to say it out loud to yourself or someone you trust.

3. Take an epsom salt bath.  Again, this is tremendous for both your physical and emotional self.

4. Make self care a priority.  It is important to bring your experience into your physical body so do what you can to pamper yourself. 

5.  Eat well and eat consciously.  Make the food that you ingest part of your spiritual practice. Eat as "clean" as you can. Prepare your food and make the practice of preparing your food part of your spiritual practice. 

My sister, like most of us, struggles to trust the sitting still.  It may be the simplest and most difficult task which crisis commands of us. Yet, I can promise you, that if we continue in our doing, we will simply be spinning our wheels feeling only more depleted and stuck in the muck of our grief. There is the paradox.  Stillness is the only way we will move forward in our crisis.  Treat the process as if it is your spiritual practice and we ultimately find our way towards a field of clarity and somehow, despite ourselves, the crisis brings us closer to our 'real selves'.

It is all temporary.  Both crisis and bliss are temporary states.  We don't have to wait for bliss - we can choose to have our crisis lead us to our transformations. 

For more information or if you would like to contact me, visit http://www.creativeedgeconsulting.com

Happiness is a Muscle

Recently I watched and rewatched a PBS special on happiness. The documentary examined the growing study of happiness.  In attempting to create markers and quantifiable measurements and turn it into a science, some interesting observations were made:

• Money does not determine happiness: once a person is making a minimum that provides for food, clothing and shelter, more money does not equate with more happiness.
• The more meaningful connections you have and the more you work at these personal connections, the more happy you are.  In other words, strong links to friends and families directly and positively link with the likelihood that you will be happy.
• Serving others, volunteering and helping others is positively linked to happiness.
• Countries that support infrastructures that build these connections such as Norway, report happier communities.

Meaningful connections - Happiness! Photo by J. Philipchuk

There are no surprises here.  Being loved and giving love trumps a fancy car and the latest fashion and gadgets. Spending time and serving others brings more happiness than spending money and collecting things. Yet, somehow,  we still behave as though the opposite is true, "If only I lose 10 pounds and fit into this outfit, I'll get a man, and then I will be happy" "Once I get my own car and my own place, I won't need to depend on anyone and then I will be happier," "You get paid the big bucks, must be nice to have an easy life".

Historically,  economic growth and the amount of cash circulating our global economies, is unprecedented, yet we are in the midst of a global "unhappy and anxious" epidemic in First World countries.  We are firmly attached to the idea that things bring us happiness, despite the mounting evidence to the contrary.

"It is easier to change ideas and doctrines in other's minds than it is to change their myths and symbols," writes Madonna Kohlbenschlag. All of this "Happiness Research" clearly points to a doable action plan that all of us in some way, can begin to implement.

The most compelling part of the documentary for me, is the claim that we can teach happiness, practice happiness and train ourselves to be happy.  It is a muscle, that through practice, repetition, and support, can grow and develop and become strong.

The ball is in our court.  We can choose to work on developing our happiness muscle.  No special equipment is required.  All that is needed is a willingness to put down the burden of belief that says things and this illusion of independence matter more than people, service, love and belonging.

Going Slow to Go Fast – Training Your Brain to Embrace Transformation

I have to admit to one of my guilty pleasures in order to give this blog post some context.  I love watching the TV show, “The Biggest Loser”.  I admit to enjoying the catharsis of watching bodies and lives transform right before our television eyes.  I know it is produced, formulaic with a slick intent to appeal to my sense of transformation, and yet, like a car accident on the highway, I slow down and watch.

I watched a segment of a show that kept tabs on previous contestants, and there were a good percentage that had gained a good portion, and in some cases, all of their weight back.  For all of the intense physical, mental and emotional support, many contestants returned to their previous ways, and perhaps only partially, but the goal weight was not kept off.

Real progress takes time.  As much as I am constantly looking for the quick fix to put things back together.  Rewiring our brains to practice new patterns takes time and the longer our patterns have been entrenched, the longer it will take to set new patterns.

In the article, “5 Ways To Rewire Your Brain For Meaningful Life Changes” Dr. Hilary explains that there are five neural pathways to connect any new learning, “One pathway alone is not enough to successfully rewire your brain. However, when you repeatedly align your beliefs, feelings, vision, and actions you will experience lasting changes in your brain” http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11762/5-ways-to-rewire-your-brain-for-meaningful-life-changes.html

The five pathways, can be summarized as follows:

1.     You are your beliefs.  Christiane Northrup, Candace Pert and many others wrote about this 15-20 years ago. Belief is essentially a neural pathway and you need to have it fired up in order to move towards your goal.  If you want to know what your “living” belief is, just look at your life.  If you believe in loving relationships but constantly find yourself in negative ones, take a look at your beliefs.  If you think you believe in abundance and ease but constantly find yourself in debt, take a look at your beliefs.

2.     Emotion, as Dr. Hilary points out, “is the power behind accomplishing your intention.”  As woo woo as this may sound, your ability to flood your body with the feeling and the positive emotion of your desired belief or intention will lead you to a positive outcome.  Your ability to put your body in a state of calm, joy, peace, or bliss, while imagining your desired outcome, is key.  This powerful feeling state is what supports your brain in moving towards your outcome.

3.     There are plenty of studies around the benefits of visualization, especially around sport performance. And the results are even better if you are in a calm, relaxed state. 

4.     Take Action. As the Nike saying goes, just do it.  Your body needs to have the practice of being in a state of success.  Especially in the beginning, it won’t be pretty and may very well be painful, but your body must have the experience of moving you towards your belief or wants.

5.     Repeat. You have to repeat the action over and over, and build the neural pathways until it will practice this new habit over all of your previous past practices.

Whether you are trying to stop something, like smoking or overeating, or whether you are trying to start something like learning a new language or training for a marathon, the message is the same.  It is also the same if you are trying to change a post traumatic stress response, or anxiety/panic attack, or finding a way to attract a loving partner.

Small steps lead to transformation. Photo by J. Philipchuk

 And what exactly does this have to do with energy medicine? Everything.  When I talk about energy medicine being a tool to help you get out of your “stuck” place, I am talking about helping your brain and body clear out old belief patterns, cell memory or stories that no longer serve you and at the same time, to introduce new belief patterns, new stories and new memories.  Working with the electrical body is comprehensive in that it supports healing and growth from all of these perspectives.  You have to be willing to believe your dream is possible, you have to feel it, see it in your minds eye, experience it and repeatedly practice it.  Energy medicine, can help with the clearing of the old and the beginning of the new, and from my point of you, it is comprehensive and successful. 

But it is normally, not fast.  It usually takes time, practice, some discomfort and more practice. You have to teach you body, mind and spirit your new belief. You have to feel it, see it, know it, anticipate it and you have to do it – Over and over and over again. So, that is why I say you have to go slow to go fast. I know this to be true.

We can train our brains, our beings, our electrical grid patterns to embrace our transformations and over time and practice the results are transformative.  Small incremental consistent changes lead to transformation.

Goodbye to 2013 and Hello to 2014

So I know we are already into our first week of February 2014, but I did want to make a short blog post about entering into a new calendar year and reflecting about the year that seemed to rush madly by.

For me, 2013 was a year of huge changes and shifts in my life both personally and professionally.

When I began CreativeEdge, two years ago, it was out of a deep desire and equally deep frustration.  I was constantly compelled to begin putting my energy work out into the public eye while at the same time feeling a horrible terror of being out in the public eye.

Just like when I defended my PhD in 2003, I was terrified that someone would really see me and in the process of being seen, I would be called a charlatan, a dummy or a fake.  I wanted to stay hidden, protected in anonymity.  At the same time, I felt the growing frustration of being anonymous, hidden and unseen. I was in the in between space where you recognize what you really really want is what  you are equally really really terrified to receive.

In 2012, what propelled me into my public practice of energy work could be summed up in two points:

1. I did not want to die and leave this on the table so to speak.  I realized that I had to start this business and put all of my best efforts into this for as long as my body was on this planet.
2. I no longer wanted to make decisions in my life based on fear.

In 2013, the evolution continued, as I worked on completing more certifications and moving my business into a greater public arena.  I went to marketing workshops and challenged myself to work on things that terrified me, all for the purpose of growing my practice.

At the same time, I took the step of rescinding my contract as a high school vice principal and moved back into school counselling.

Photo by Jill Philipchuk

At the end of 2013, I worked, and I am continuing to work at extracting myself from unhealthy partnerships and to move towards debt elimination. At the same time, I have been working on developing deeper connections with my family, my husband and loved ones.

In all of these changes, I am aware, that I am having to take the same advice and do the same work I ask my clients to do when they bring the courage to lie on the massage table and come to grips with whatever keeps them from being their whole self.

I am doing the work with you.  I am working at removing those very obstacles I claim the energy work helps bring into your consciousness.  I regularly receive energy work on myself.  I am as much a client as I am a practitioner and I can honestly say that 2013 has been one of the most terrifying and freeing years of my life.

My hope is that my own process will only strengthen and improve my role as an energy worker.  My hope is that 2014 will continue the journey of my freedom and fearlessness.

And that would be my wish and prayer to all of you too.  Happy 2014.  Love, Light, Peace and Freedom to you all.